A weird thing happened earlier today, probably just a symptom of me spiraling further and further down into the abyss. I’ve gone from feeling mostly numb to veering wildly between extremes.
Today I have stared out of a window at the ground, on the second floor of my office building, wondering if jumping would actually kill me or just shatter every bone in my body. I was just enjoying the thought, not considering jumping. Things are not that bad, I am just a morbid sod. For a while after I just sat at my desk hating everything about my life.
Later on I was dancing about the office to La Roux’s album, when everyone else was at lunch. Then the spiraling down started again and by the time everyone was back in the office I was in a terrible mood. I’d stayed well past lunchtime because I wasn’t in the mood for food or even moving, I just carried on working, trying (and failing) to stop thinking.
I eventually grudgingly left the building at about quarter to two and just wandered about and bought some stuff for half an hour and came back. Lunch breaks are an hour, I couldn’t be bothered to take it all. I bought some new hairbrushes because I remembered I needed them when out (for once) and went into Lush, because the staff are lovely and always cheer me up a bit. No food, I just couldn’t eat. I’ve had to force myself to eat some quiche, an apple and a banana this evening, about 24 hours since I’d last eaten.
I stayed slightly late at work too, not because I couldn’t be bothered to leave but because I was right in the middle of doing things with some data and I hate leaving things half-done for the next morning. I always forget where I got to or miss something out. Also I do get some satisfaction out of completing something slightly taxing just before I leave. I got a little endorphin hit and went off on my way home.
It is a very short walk home, about four minutes, so there is rarely anything that happens between home and work but something very unusual did. It was entirely out of character for me too.
I was walking down the main street between work and home and saw a girl, which is not unusual. What was unusual was my reaction to this particular one. I hadn’t noticed her at first and just happened to glance at her as we passed, I’d say our ‘eyes met’ but we both had sunglasses on so it wasn’t even that. She smiled, not normally a reaction when anyone sees me, and I smiled back. Which is the oddest thing, normally I would just look away and pretend it hadn’t happened. People do smile at me sometimes but I just ignore them, this wasn’t that sort of polite smile you get when you catch someone’s eye in the street.
As this happened I felt like I had been punched in the chest but I kept on walking, mostly because I’d gone into autopilot. I was confused, my heart was going mental (and it wasn’t just because I’d downed half a pint of espresso before leaving work) and I stopped, turned and looked back, probably a few seconds after ‘the smile’, really just to check if she was actually there and I hadn’t just had some kind of flashback. She had been there, she had also just stopped and turned to look back at the same moment I had.
I immediately carried on walking home. I presume she did the same.
No one just looks at me and smiles, I am an ugly, fat git. It may have been normal ten years ago for people to like the look of what they see when glancing in my direction, but now that just does not happen. So, what actually happened here?
I am still feeling weird and confused hours later. Maybe my brain is just imploding and none of it even happened, it just does not seem likely.
Maybe I really am just losing my grip on life…
